Setting boundaries to meet your needs

I remember being asked some time ago what my boundaries were. I wasn’t even sure I understood the question. I realised that I didn’t have boundaries.

There was virtually nothing that I would say No to. If I was asked to work longer hours, I did. If I was given some awful challenging project that nobody else wanted to do, I did it. I put myself out to please others. And that surprises me because I’m normally someone who speaks their mind.

So when I was confronted for the first time with this question, it seemed rather strange. You mean… I get to choose what I want?  What about the impact of saying no? What if I lost my job because I said no? What if I didn’t get the next payrise or promotion?

Then it dawned on me. I was being driven by external influences.

Consider the negotiation of a house. The buyer wants it at the cheapest price, the seller wants it at the highest price. There comes a point when both parties either agree on the sale or are willing to walk away. So there is a cutoff point or a boundary at which you are willing to walk away.

You can apply this to anything. For example, your boss tells you that he or she wants you to  do a particular project and it involves doing things you don’t like, like longer hours, more time away from home, more responsibility, less responsibility even. Do you do it and fight it all the way or do you sit them down and explain what your needs are? What is the boundary here? At what point do you say no? And what is the impact of that?

Too many leaders in business feel driven to do things that they don’t want to do. They believe they have no choice. They have to do it or risk losing their job. The problem with this is that it breeds a culture of people who say Yes to everything and before you know it, the working conditions become intolerable for everyone. We are creating our own reality by not having boundaries.

So if you are asked to achieve the impossible, it’s time to start setting boundaries. It’s time to start saying no. Time to start standing up for your rights. Time to start being creative about what is achievable and more importantly reasonable.

Where do you set boundaries?

Where are you doing things that you don’t want to because you have not set boundaries?

Putting it into practice

1. Consider a situation that you are not happy with, where you feel put upon or where things are not working for you.
2. What are you tolerating?
3. What are your boundaries? Where are they being overstepped?
4. Set your boundaries and be honest with others about your needs. Make conscious choices about how you want to live.

It’s time to stop walking blindly through life, being driven by external circumstances. It’s time to start living your life the way you want it. Of course, this is challenging. There is a price to be paid for living consciously. For every choice you make, there is an impact to be considered. Be prepared to deal with that and choose consciously.

With love,
Jude. x

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