A lesson in detachment
By
My cat Dennis went missing for 9 days last week and I had no idea where he was.
I was powerless to do anything. I lacked control of the situation. I realised that Dennis is living the life he wants to live and that might be different from what I want for him. He was teaching me a lesson in detachment.
We cannot control anyone or anything although many of us try to do so. We can’t even control our own lives. We never know what is going to happen. Perhaps you fight with your children about what they should do, the choices that they make? Perhaps you fight with colleagues at work because you believe your way or your idea is better?
Where are you trying to make things happen in a particular way?
How attached are you to a specific outcome?
We all have different ideas of what a fulfilling life looks like or how a job should be done. Dennis chose to trek across fields for 9 days. I doubt he was worried about us. I’m guessing that he was feeling the joy of being fully alive and free and connected to his environment. I’m happy that he chose to do that, even though it means I missed him terribly. I’m also guessing that his reason for turning up again was that he missed being loved. And I’m delighted he came home.
I like to think I have everything under control. Thanks to Dennis, I was reminded that I don’t. I don’t own him. I can’t control him. I find this difficult. I like to think my family are tucked up in bed at night and safe. I can do things to influence it and I can’t make it happen. Just as I can’t control the decisions that anyone in my life makes, whether they are family, friends, work colleagues or even strangers in the street.
I love that we are all unique, that we have different opinions and ideas. Diversity is what makes life interesting. That doesn’t mean we have to keep quiet. It’s important to speak our truth and it’s equally as important to be detached from a specific outcome. Allowing things to evolve and unfold naturally. Without force. Gently.
Putting it into practice
- Identify a relationship in your life where you are trying to control, where you really want a specific outcome. Perhaps it is your partner, one of your children or a work colleague.
- Ask them what they want from the situation.
- Tell them what you want. Be detached from needing to have them be who you want them to be.
- Allow them to be who they are and embrace their difference.
- Post your comments below.
Being detached from the outcome is one of the hardest things we can do. And it is liberating. Now I know that Dennis is staying around because he wants to. Because he loves us. And the more I allow him his freedom, the more he wants to hang around.
Stop pushing your family and friends away. Embrace them for who they are and allow them to make the choices they want to make. Your relationships will be richer for it.
With love,
Jude. x
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2 Comments
October 5th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Lovely! We can learn so much from cats.
I’ve found that by detaching from my expectations of a particular outcome, I actually allow more possibilities to arise as a result — which means I end up being more pleased with the eventual outcome (usually) than I might have been had I kept holding on to the original expectation. In other words, non-attachment leased to freedom and expansion.
The hardest thing (for me) is putting this into practice with relationships. We create stories for those we love and become attached to the maintenance of those stories. But I find that those around me are happiest when I actively and consciously let go of any image or thought I carry about them except whatever I perceive in a given moment.
October 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Thanks Karen for your insightful comment.
I agree that it’s most difficult to put this into practice with relationships. Dennis (my cat) went away again 4 days after he came back and was gone for 2 weeks. This time, I trusted that he would come back and connect with us. He did. And he has stayed around much more since I let go of needing him to be here! So you’re right that when we consciously let go of people (and animals) needing to be what we want them to be, they are happier.